Tony's Words
Greetings, Winter asked me to write an article for her blog, and since I recently turned 40, and I am very often a point of call for dad advice (dadvice as we call it) for several people, I figured I would do the following
Dadvice I wish I'd known before I hit 40.
This is in no particular order by the way, but I have left the best for last.
Over my 40 years I break my life into 3 parts, the tutorial levels (early and teen years, basically education time) my old life (pre marriage and mental breakdown) and my new life (post marriage and breakdown). I live my new life with a very different mentality to my old, my main focus now is to support those who need it, encourage and motivate when I can and to leave people better than before they knew me. Hence this blog and trying to share some of my values and mentalities.
So let's get started, first and foremost, HONESTY.
Honesty seems to be such an old fashioned thing it's live a rare find at the back of a vintage shop. But the thing is that it is such a valuable commodity especially when used right. I always tell people to never ask me a question they don't want an honest answer too because if they are just wanting me to lie or pad an ego it isn't gunna happen. And that has served me well because now that my reputation for honesty has been established people know that A, I will give honest but constructive (we will come back to that) feedback and B, if someone says some lies about me people will see through it. So many people seem to use lies as a defence mechanism, and I did the same in my old life, building walls upon walls of lies that it got to the point where I didn't know fact from the fiction I had created. Now not only is speaking truth easier and less stress because I don't have to remember my field of lies, but your honesty will breed honesty in others and they will come to trust your judgement and opinion as genuine and not self serving.
Secondly, be PROACTIVE in your help.
Remember I said we would come back to constructive criticism, didn't take me long did it. What do I mean by being proactive? Imagine this, you're in a new situation, job/friendship/social encounter whatever, and you do something not ideal. If someone comes up to you and says "you idiot what did you do that for? Go do it again" then that's just berating. If they come to you and say "that didn't go so well did it, try changing [insert advice] before doing it again". Without direction and constructive feedback how can anyone learn from their mistakes.
The section 2.1 that goes with this is also being open to relieve that feedback. Too many people this day and age think that they know how to do a thing and that's it, that's how it should be done. In my experience there is never just 1 way to do ANYTHING! There is differing techniques, styles, understandings of how to do anything and everything but humans seem to just get fixated on 1 and not want to budge. So be open, listen to advice when it is genuinely given, take on board what you can and apply it to your life. Taking advice does not mean doing exactly what the person says, it's more about hearing what they say and applying the lessons and principles to your situation.
Thirdly, and kinda following on from that, never stop LEARNing. The world is forever changing and evolving, I grew up in a time before google and smartphones, now these days I couldn't imagine my life without them. In another 40 years it will have all changed again. You have to continuously learn and evolve with the world around you.
Fourth, this is a big one for me RESPECT. I see a frightening lack of this in the world these days. Basic respect comes not because someone has a status, or wealth, or power, or a title. Respect doesn't come from where you grew up or how loud you shout, respect isn't earned by swearing or threatening, respect is earned by showing respect. I will say that again.
Respect is earned by showing respect!
Respect and trust go hand in hand for me and if a person cannot show respect in front of me, be it to me or to other people, then that's a red flag so big it's a blanket. You see a person slagging someone off, I can guarantee they will slag you off when you back is turned. Everyone deserves respect regardless of skin colour, gender, education level, job, bank balance, or any other factor you can think of. But when a person abuses that respect it takes ALOT to get is back, same as trust, once respect or trust are broken it is a massive thing to reforge it, and 90%of that effort must come from the other party.
What we on now, fifth, this one is going to be hard for some to do, or get the balance of, don't be afraid to be SELFISH.
You can't pour from an empty cup.
You can't hold someone up when your broken
You can't give what you don't have
Those phrases are paramount to our own survival in this day and age. We have been told over generation that being selfish is bad, but not always. Sometimes being selfish means saying you can't help a person because your batteries are drained, sometimes being selfish is saying you need time away from a situation because it has taken its toll on you, sometimes being selfish is cutting of negative people or negative situations that hinder your growth.
Sometimes being selfish simply means asking for help!! In these terms, and these situations, never be afraid to be selfish!!
Finally, and to me this has made all the difference, understand the difference between TRUE FRIENDS, and people you know.
Over the years I have called many people "friend" and over all that time very few of those people have actually earned that title. Now don't get me wrong sometimes friendships drift apart over time as life takes over etc and I understand that, but I have had more than my fair share of "friends" who have straight up betrayed my trust. My mistake? Putting too much trust in people who hadn't earned it (see above) and allowing the term "friend" to become a locking nut that I didn't want to let go of.
Over your time on this earth you will encounter many many people, through friendships, relationships, through family or work contacts, and if you're a decent person you will no doubt get on with a great many of them. But this does not make them your friend. This may seem controversial but of all the many people I regularly interact with on a weekly basis I would call only about a half dozen of them "friends". Everyone else is merely an acquaintance, a work colleague, sometimes even simply "someone I tolerate". The difference isn't just simply that I like to hang out with my friends, or that I just enjoy conversation with them or we share interests, the difference for me between my friends and everyone else is that I will always do what I can to help them, and I'm certain they would do the same for me!!
When it comes to true friends, Quality will always far outweigh quantity, choose carefully!
Also as a side caveat of this, some of those half dozen friends are Internet friends, and I would never put down having Internet friends. I have a group of Internet friends who I am going to be fortunate enough to be meeting in person next week, and these friends have brought me through many dark times in my new life, they have supported my growth and my passions, and honestly I can't wait to bestow all the hugs to them when I get the chance. Some times your best mates are the other side of a screen, and that's ok!!
I could write so much more and maybe if you liked this I could do a part 2 but for now I will wrap up there.
Be kind, be honest, show love and enjoy your lives!!