Greetings Readers, it's been a while and I've been busy, but I'm back with some words of... "Wisdom"? moving on... You know what get's my goat? People hating on others for receiving help, It's always "Well I didn't get any help, I did it all myself." That's great for you, it is, but what they don't tell you is, many of them were offered help, but they were too proud to accept it. I am not ashamed to admit that I had a trust fund as a kid, I'm not ashamed to admit that I've received food parcels, money from charities to help pay my bills, I'm not afraid to admit that I've had hand outs, left right and center from family members, friends and even strangers on the internet! Problem is, there's so much help available out there for people, but nobody is willing to look for it, or they worry that people will look down on them for even asking! Listen, if you're offered helped from ANYONE, take it! There's zero shame and no, you may never be able to pay people back, but the ones that are willing to give you a leg up, 9/10, are not looking for repayment.

PAY IT FORWARD! Buy a homeless guy a coffee, take a friend to dinner, or, if you can't afford that, make something! Draw a picture, bake some cookies, hell, pick a bunch of flowers and give them to a random old lady, I don't know. Me personally, if somebody is in need I will always help them out in any way that I can, if I have money spare, if I have spare food, or just somebody to talk to, it makes me feel good and I know that, if that person can't repay me, I've still done something good and it makes me feel good too! I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I truly believe that it costs nothing to be kind.

As usual, be good, stay safe, make good choices and if you can't well, at least have fun.

Winter

I want to work.

I hate being out of work, it's not fun for me, how anyone can happily just chose not to work, is beyond me, don't get me wrong, I don't mean people who have no choice, I mean people that actively choose not to, how? I am so bored, my day's are spent job searching, taking care of my animals and stressing because the gas/electric is about to go off or I'm out of food etc.

I started off super confident ], knowing how qualified I am to work, I'm smart, I'm approachable, and I'm a hard worker! But with every job rejection, I am less and less interested in searching for work, why? Because being rejected sucks! You suddenly feel not good enough to even try, and it puts you in a rut.

Job Centre.

I, like many others around the country, have to rely on Universal Credit, to top up my finances, as I only work one day a week and don't they just LOVE to remind me?! Every appointment it's "What did you do to look for work?" Well, like any normal person, I looked on job sites, sent in my CV, wrote a cover letter, etc. I am actively looking, I promise! But I'm just not having any luck and truthfully, I don't really know why, this time last year, I said I wouldn't settle for any job that was "Beneath" Me, a little arrogant, to say the least, I know my worth and I knew it then, I knew I needed something that would challenge me on an intellectual level because I get bored, so easily! 

But this week I have stopped applying for jobs that pay well and go with my college diplomas, instead, I've been applying for retail, I said I would never do retail again, not because I look down on retail workers, no, the complete opposite, people that work in retail are something else, they're tough! They can handle almost anything that comes to them because the majority of society, has zero manners, they treat retail staff and hospitality workers like they're lesser than! As a bartender, I can tell you that is not the case, over the years, I have worked with some of the most intelligent people ever, just last year, I was working with a young woman who was training in bioengineering! I, myself and learning to be a software developer, but these things take time and in the meantime, we have to work lower paying jobs, in order to live.

What's the point of this post?

I don't rightly know, I suppose that this is more of a rant and maybe, just maybe, a reminder to treat humans with respect, despite their job! We all have to live on this planet, nobody is less than, we all bleed red and we all breathe air...

And just because somebody is receiving benefits, does not mean that they are lazy or not actively looking, some of us want to work and will grasp at any chance that we get! I suppose that this is just a reminder to be nice to each other, and yourselves! We're all human.

That's it, that's the post.

Be safe, have fun and for goodness sake, treat people how you want to be treated!

With Love,

Winter.

"Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness."

The Above phrase, is one that I've heard a lot while growing up; But, is it true? Don't get me wrong, good hygiene is important for your health, physical and mental, but even I know that there are days where, the idea of tackling that laundry pile, seems like way too high of a chore! Personally, I love a clean house but I hate cleaning, until, I don't... 

Yeah, make that make sense! At least, once a week, I feel so motivated to get things done, I write a list and I imagine just how nice it's going to feel when it's all clean, and I can relax with a glass of wine and my book, but I get maybe, two/three tasks done, before I feel burnt out and end up on my phone, scrolling through Facebook for hours on end. People say I'm lazy, maybe I am? Or maybe not, sometimes, I just lack motivation, that's not laziness, its just a normal human reaction, we tend to do things that give us a dose of dopamine and for the majority of us, cleaning just doesn't give us that boost! 

But, We Can't Live In Filth.

It is, however, important that we at least try to get the most important jobs out of the way, so here's what I do, I take a walk around my house, and look in each room, I select the biggest issue that needs dealing with, and add it to my "To Do" List, Then I take a look and see what things are the biggest priority, I do those first, that way, if I don't complete the whole list, at least the most important things are done, and I feel a sense of success, the rest can be done, tomorrow, for example, this was my list for today:

Kitchen: Wash the pots. - Second

Living room: Hoover. -  Fifth

Bathroom: Move Laundry. - Forth

Bedroom: Fresh Bedding. - Third

Cat Room: Litter. - First

Fortunately for me, I did my whole list and was able to do more odd jobs around the house and I feel GREAT! There's still so much left to do, but I'll get to it tomorrow, now, it's time to relax and watch a movie with my doggos! 

Have fun finding what works for you, remember, as long as you're trying, that's all that matters and hey, if you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it!

Okay, have fun, be safe, make good choices and if you can't, at least make them fun!

With Love,

Winter.

I'm afraid to medicate.

There is no shame in using meds, if they help, then that is absolutely brilliant! I have been on and off of anti depressants, since I was 16, I've had Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Citalopram and Escitalopram.

Truth is, I have, in the past, had a ton of success with my meds, but lately, absolutely everything I try, give's me some horrendous, side effects! After my doctor chose to change my meds, one more time, I collected them, but that's all, they're still in an unopened box on my kitchen counter.

It's not that I think meds are bad, actually, I've seen the good they can do, I just hate how they effect me, sometimes, they turn you into an emotionless robot! I used to think that I'd be better off, without emotions at all, but that's not true, emotions are what make us human, they're what make us, who we are...

Don't take my word for it.

Of course, when it comes to your own personal health, mental or physical, you have to make decisions for yourself, you have to try things, before coming to a conclusion... I write this blog as a way to reaching people, in hopes that people will realize that, they're not alone! But I'm not a professional, I'm just another human, fighting her way through her own personal war, just like you!

There is no right or wrong choice.

Refusing to take meds, does not mean that you're unwilling to help yourself, as long as you are seeking help, in the first place, talking to somebody or doing any kind of self care... You are helping yourself! And taking med's does not mean you're weak, strong people do what's necessary to get better, meds or no meds, you're doing what's right for you!

As always, be safe, make good choices, yada yada yada.

With Love,

Winter.

I remember...

When I was teenager, I went to camp with the local youth club, I'd like to say that I loved every second but that would be a lie, why? I was 17 and the only reason I went, was because I ex boyfriend was there too! I wanted to be around him, I was so jealous at the thought of him being around other girls. But while there, I met another boy, his name was Isador, he and I became fast friends, but we were never able to connect on the same level and I didn't really understand why, until one of the youth workers, divulged the fact that Isador was, in fact, Autistic, I didn't fully understand what that meant; So I researched it and I asked questions, the way it was explained to me, I don't fully remember but, something about a bunch of butterfly's and struggling to catch them. Now, I'm not autistic, so I can't really comment on how accurate that analogy was, but I did learn to be more patient with Isador.

We became close, he allowed me to see into his world slightly and I allowed him to see mine, it was nice. One day, we were sat outside in the court yard, I was leaning on his shoulder because I felt low and I couldn't really grasp why. 

This is a feeling that I am all too familiar with, now, back then, I thought there had to be a trigger but now? I know that's not the case! Isador asked me to explain depression to him, he didn't fully understand it so, this is the explanation that I gave.

Bricks.

Imagine for a moment, you are walking down a street on a perfect day, it's sunny, not a cloud in the sky, you're happy, everything seems absolutely perfect! But you turn a corner and suddenly, a ton of bricks lands on you, out of nowhere, you don't know where they came from, there's nobody around that could've been responsible for dropping them, but that doesn't matter, all you know is, you need to get from under these bricks, its hard to breathe and it hurts! So, You start to shout for help, but with every breath, the weight on your lungs becomes heavier, your shouts become a whisper, until, you can't shout for help anymore, nobody can hear you so, nobody comes to help you, eventually, you realise that if you just shuffle slightly, you are able to loosen the bricks and dig your way out, so you do that, then once you're out, you keep walking, you feel a bit achey but you're alive, so you keep walking, until the pain stops and you almost forget about the bricks... until it inevitably happens again.

Not The Best Analogy.

There are better way's to describe it! But this is my experience and Isador, he understood, he didn't speak, all he did was hug me, and that spoke volumes!

You see, it doesn't really matter how you describe your experience, as long as the people you're trying to educate, are willing to listen and understand. I never saw Isador after camp, I do hope he's happy and living his best life! 

I don't know if this post will make sense to anyone but me, and that's okay! If you get it, you get it, if you don't? Well, I guess, consider yourself lucky!

Be save, make good choices and if you can't have fun, always.

With Love,

Winter.

App, The Crisis Team, Samaritans.

TW: This post talks openly about self harm and suicidal thoughts.

Before writing this, I'd just like to clarify that I hold no distain for our mental health services, in fact, in my experience, they have been fabulous! They always offer as much care as is humanly possible but none of it has ever really worked for me... Why?

That's a good question that I don't rightly know, the answer to;  See, they always say "If you have thought's of self harm or, you believe you're a danger to yourself or others, call this number." Etc. and, that's great and all, but, if I am actively wanting to harm myself, why would I call somebody to stop me? 

If I have an end goal in mind, then I'm not thinking about anything else, all I'm thinking about is what I want to do... make sense? 

These apps that have been created to distract you, they have the same issue, I am pretty stubborn, so when I have my mind set on something, no amount of distraction is going to work and if, I want to harm myself, chances are, I've already done the harm, before I've even registered the idea of doing it, by then, it's too late!

Blacking Out.

Blacking out is a very real problem, when it come's to self harm, you can be fine one minute, and the next, you're gripping a knife and your arm hurts.

That's what happened to me the last time, one moment, I'm out for drinks with a friend, the next, I'm slamming a glass against the tiled wall in the club toilets, because I want to harm myself, of course, I felt bad and did my best to clean it up.

Then I was back to being okay, until I got home and suddenly, I'm looking at the mess I've made, gripping a knife and begin to scramble to stop the bleeding, before FINALLY, calling 999 for help.

 Fortunately for me, I was fine, the operator arranged a taxi for me, to take me to the hospital, paid for it too!

The hospital didn't talk down to me, each member of staff were nothing but nice, one person took notice of the Star Wars t shirt I had on, and started talking to me about that. All that to say that, I know people are afraid to go to the hospital, because they're afraid of how they will be treated, but in my experience, they see you as you are, a human being, that's had a moment of madness, who need's help so, don't be afraid to ask when needed!

The Point I'm Making.

So many people feel bad, because, the apps or other services, don't work for them, and they feel that they are broken beyond repair, I know, because I've been there and I've felt it, but you are not broken and neither am I, we're just... Spicy. We will heal, we will get where we need to be one day and we will learn to manage our emotions, but to do that, we have to keep fighting and never give up.

You are strong, you are beautiful and you are enough, we've got this.

Be safe, make good choices, and if you can't... well, you know the rest.

With Love,

Winter.

I've been feeling perplexed.

A recent conversation with a friend has left me feeling... confused; Let me explain, last night or rather, early hours this morning, a friend told me that I'm a "Good human."

What exactly is a "Good Human."? What's the qualifier? Kindness? Well no, I'm sure that even Ted Bundy had moments of kindness, we can all collectively agree that he was not a "Good Human." So I ask again, what is the qualifier? I guess I don't really know, who does? I suppose that it comes down to the individual to decide, no?

My perception?

There's no such thing as a "Good Human." Just, good intentions, nobody is perfect and we should all stop striving to be perfect, we should all, instead, strive to be the best that we can be and if the best you can be, is the person that chooses to rescue the spider, rather than smush it, then be that person! If you're the person that holds litter in your pocket until you find a bin, then be that person, don't strive to be a "Good Human." Strive to be yourself, it's the best you can do, you won't be everyone's idea of good, but you also aren't everyone's idea of bad! All that matter's is that you are happy with who you are.

I'm rambling, but you get the picture, I would hope! 

Now go, be safe, make good choices, but as always, if you can't make good ones, at least have fun!

With Love,

Winter.

Finding Inspiration.

I will be the first to admit, that not every day is a good one, in fact, most recently, my days have been mostly bad! But every day, I try to find inspiration in life, my favourite, comes in the form of a little notebook that I carry with me, on a daily basis, I call it my quotebook.

This, as you can probably tell from the name, is a book of quotes, but not just any, these quotes have come directly from, myself, my friends and my family. I'd like to share a couple of my favourites.

"If you always tell the truth, eventually, you will be found out"- Richard.

My best friend and mentor. This quote resonates with me, as I have always tried to be as honest as possible, but even now, I still feel the need to over explain myself, no matter the situation, just in case I'm not believed.

"You are not a finished project."- Sarah.

Another friend of mine, this quote means a lot, over the past few years, I have been striving to better myself, learn new things, work out and overall, just figure out who I am, and truthfully, I still don't really know who i am! And that's okay, because I still have a lot of growing to do.

"Life's full of risks, you just have to learn to take them."-Me.

Life is too short to be afraid, in my opinion, so why not take those risks? The scarier, the better! Like when I took a risk and walked away from a nine year relationship, just six/seven, month's ago, not knowing if I could survive on my own, if I'd be able to pay my bill's etc. 

But I survive, and now I'm living... Life isn't about survival, its about living too.

I hope these quotes brought some comfort and inspiration to you too, and if not, that's okay! You can figure out your own quotes, create your own, look some up online, they don't have to be just yours and yours alone, they just have to inspire you in one way or another.

You've got this!

Now, be safe, make good choices and if you can't make good choices, at least have fun with them!

With Love,

Winter

Hey there! Welcome to my blog.

This is a place where I will be sharing my personal journey with mental health, the good, the bad and of course, the ugly.

My given name is Kate, but you may call me Winter; Like many of you, I have faced my own challenges with mental health, since the age of 12, when my battle first began, to now, as I'm approaching my 28th birthday! Mental health isn't something that goes away with age, but we do learn to manage it better. I hope this blog will become a safe space for anyone that visits it, I will be openly talking about self harm, eating disorders and suicidal thoughts, I'll be honest and speak openly about how I'm feeling during each post, but it won't all be doom and gloom! I have good days too!

Why "The Ramblings Of Winter Blue."?

The name of this blog reflects on the often foggy, cold and confusing times that we experience, when our mental health is struggling. Just like winter, these moments can be harsh and isolating, but they also have a stark beauty and quiet strength, and lets not forget, winter doesn't last forever, spring will come again, it always does.

Through my writings, I hope to bring warmth and clarity to the blur, offering insights and companionship for anyone else that's navigating their own winter season.

What Can You Expect?

The truth, plain and simple. there will be personal stories of my own and hopefully one day, there'll be contributions from my readers, that's you!

My Mission?

Mental health is a deeply personal journey, what works for one, might not work for everyone, and that's okay. My hope is, that through sharing, we can find common ground and support each other in our unique paths. I want to create a safe space for people of all ages and backgrounds. You are not alone.

With hope and gratitude,

Winter.