App, The Crisis Team, Samaritans.

TW: This post talks openly about self harm and suicidal thoughts.

Before writing this, I'd just like to clarify that I hold no distain for our mental health services, in fact, in my experience, they have been fabulous! They always offer as much care as is humanly possible but none of it has ever really worked for me... Why?

That's a good question that I don't rightly know, the answer to;  See, they always say "If you have thought's of self harm or, you believe you're a danger to yourself or others, call this number." Etc. and, that's great and all, but, if I am actively wanting to harm myself, why would I call somebody to stop me? 

If I have an end goal in mind, then I'm not thinking about anything else, all I'm thinking about is what I want to do... make sense? 

These apps that have been created to distract you, they have the same issue, I am pretty stubborn, so when I have my mind set on something, no amount of distraction is going to work and if, I want to harm myself, chances are, I've already done the harm, before I've even registered the idea of doing it, by then, it's too late!

Blacking Out.

Blacking out is a very real problem, when it come's to self harm, you can be fine one minute, and the next, you're gripping a knife and your arm hurts.

That's what happened to me the last time, one moment, I'm out for drinks with a friend, the next, I'm slamming a glass against the tiled wall in the club toilets, because I want to harm myself, of course, I felt bad and did my best to clean it up.

Then I was back to being okay, until I got home and suddenly, I'm looking at the mess I've made, gripping a knife and begin to scramble to stop the bleeding, before FINALLY, calling 999 for help.

 Fortunately for me, I was fine, the operator arranged a taxi for me, to take me to the hospital, paid for it too!

The hospital didn't talk down to me, each member of staff were nothing but nice, one person took notice of the Star Wars t shirt I had on, and started talking to me about that. All that to say that, I know people are afraid to go to the hospital, because they're afraid of how they will be treated, but in my experience, they see you as you are, a human being, that's had a moment of madness, who need's help so, don't be afraid to ask when needed!

The Point I'm Making.

So many people feel bad, because, the apps or other services, don't work for them, and they feel that they are broken beyond repair, I know, because I've been there and I've felt it, but you are not broken and neither am I, we're just... Spicy. We will heal, we will get where we need to be one day and we will learn to manage our emotions, but to do that, we have to keep fighting and never give up.

You are strong, you are beautiful and you are enough, we've got this.

Be safe, make good choices, and if you can't... well, you know the rest.

With Love,

Winter.